Teaching your Kids to Apologise Effectively
It’s one heck of a wild ride being a kid. Not only is there SO much to learn, see, do and explore, but there’s also the delicate art of learning to regulate your emotions. Kids can go from being ecstatic to devastated to absolutely furious in the span of a few short minutes – I’m sure you’ve witnessed it yourself.
Once children have calmed down, they are generally able to process their emotions a little better and think things through on a more rational level. Quite often, it is at this point where children are able (and willing) to apologise for any unacceptable actions and attempt to make amends. While admitting that they’ve behaved in a less than desirable manner is an awesome step, is a simple apology enough to stop the situation from happening again?
It can be difficult to know how to handle things when our child outbursts or negative behaviours cause real damage – Whether physical or emotional. In these situations, an apology alone may not always be enough to fix things. In order for kids to develop effective problem-solving skills to make life a little easier as they eventually transition into adulthood, it’s important that they learn to take an extra step to reflect on their actions and think about how they will approach things differently next time. This is where we as adults, AKA positive role models, come in handy. Here are three helpful steps to not only encourage your child to take accountability for their actions, but also to develop those super important problem-solving skills.
1. Watch out for “I’m sorry, but…”
Kids aren’t the only offenders here. All too often, both children and adults make use of an apology to justify their poor behaviour or to blame someone else for their wrongdoing. Do any of these examples sound familiar?
“I’m sorry, but he started it!”
“I’m sorry, but you made me angry!”
“I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t have done that.”
Yeah, I thought so. It’s easy for children to fall into this habit, but it will work in your favour to nip it in the bud as soon as possible. Rather than allowing your child to place the blame elsewhere, do not accept these particular apologies. Sure, it’s great that they’re showing remorse for their behaviour, but this is just the first step. Try to explain to your child that, rather than saying “I’m sorry, but…”, a more effective apology may sound something like “I’m sorry for my behaviour. It was wrong to do that and next time I will… instead”.
It takes a fair bit of practice to improve the “I’m sorry, but…” habit in both children and adults alike, but it can certainly be done with a little patience and perseverance.
2. Add an Amends to the Consequence
Making amends simply means righting the wrong the wrong that has occurred. As I said, an apology is one thing, but proving the ability to learn from your mistakes to do better next time around is a whole new strength.
Say, for example, your young son gets in trouble at school for making rude comments to his teacher. Rather than simply telling your son to apologise, encourage him to write a letter to his teacher explaining how he will act differently (inclusive of an apology) in the future to ensure a more pleasant outcome for everyone involved.
As another example, let’s say that you have a daughter who has damaged your car by driving recklessly. An appropriate way to make amends would be to restrict her driving privileges for a suitable amount of time and encourage her to work towards contributing to the damages. As children and teenagers learn that their negative actions will soon involve consequences, they are far less likely to repeat these behaviours.
3. Be Patient
Sure, it’s easier said than done, but still hugely important. Children can very easily say or do things that hurt or disappoint us. When these things happen, it’s PERFECTLY okay to feel sad or frustrated. What’s can be even more frustrating is that kids are not usually very patient with the discomfort that can come from seeing you upset with them. We’ve all heard the “I said I was sorry, what more do you want?!” line, right?
Give yourself some time to take a breather and zone out for a few minutes. Once you have addressed your child’s behaviour, given an appropriate consequence and encouraged your child to make amends, you’ve done your part to address the situation. The ball is in your child’s court now and it’s important for them to learn accountability and humility.
Remember that the most powerful lessons come to us when things feel challenging – Reach out to someone who can support you or let you vent until you feel a little better. And always keep in mind… The perfect parent does not exist.
Until next time,
Em
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